5 Things I Don’t Want To See at Nigerian Weddings 2015

Hi everyone!

I hope that you are all well and forgiving my long absence!

Please forgive me.

So in case you don’t follow @studiochiweddings on Instagram, you missed my news!

I am now Features Editor of Black Brides and Weddings Magazine. It’s a new venture and we have a lot of World class talent involved. To be honest every now and then I have to pinch myself and remind myself this is all happening! In case you don’t know, I believe in God. It would be unfair to say that I had anything to do with this! I thank Him because He likes to give little old me things I don’t really deserve! Let’s not forget all you reading this right now. I am approaching 25,000 views and over 170 comments on this new wedding blog! Thank you for sticking around! I couldn’t have done it without you, yes YOU!

There will be two versions of this post. One for my fellow Nigerians and one for everyone else. If you are not  Nigerian, hold on but don’t get comfortable. Your day is coming soon!

 Photography by ‘Photography by Obi’

1. Lack of good food.

Please note that the lack of food at Nigerian event is an oxymoron. In fact, it is an abomination.

Guys, like seriously? People take time out to celebrate you, and then there is nothing for them to eat and they are stuck in the middle of nowwhere? May God forgive you. First the food is inedible, or has gone off( Yep I’ve been there!). Then the drinks run out. I’m not even asking for supermalt just pure water! I found myself looking for water at  a wedding the other day. Talking to waiters, waitresses, planners. There was NOTHING too drink. Couldn’t wait to take my moisturised and fleeked self out of there to Mcdonalds. Just when the confusion was subsiding, you then go and really push my buttons. My girl is in Louboutins and he is in a Rolex? But you couldn’t afford food!? Shame on you. Remember the days when you would GO to weddings/parties for food. My fellow Nigerians/Nigerian appreciators those days are over. The delicious days……are over.

2. Lack of Parking

Don’t use a venue that seats 400 but has 40 car parking spaces. It doesn’t matter how far out your wedding has to be to avoid the inner city parking issues. Back in the days parking was available everywhere, now in London not so much. And believe me when I say I understand your dilemna. But don’t compromise. Your guest’s cars cannot hover in the air. Maybe in 2024 but not in 2015. They will forgive you for driving an extra thirty minutes if they aren’t regretting driving when they get there.

3. Expensive/ Ugly Aso-Ebi

For those of you unaware, it is custom for selected wedding guests to wear the same fabric sewn into individual styles. But what about if the fabric costs £100 and the tailor costs £50? If you still have to get your hair done, nails sorted, eyebrows on FLEEK and shoes and bag to match, I have a simple question for you. Are you an unlucky guest or a bridesmaid?! There are guests paying as much money to attend the wedding as the bridesmaids that are IN the wedding. Please brides, think of the pockets of your guests before you send Mama to fetch cloth from Switzerland. If not people may simply distribute funds to ASOS or Zara. Regardless, I won’t be there.

4. Decibel Counters

All council run London town halls are now fitted with decibel noise counters in the United Kingdom. If you want a free for all, noise for all please catapault yourselves to Essex. Wondering why there are less Nigerian weddings at local venues these days? When everybody is dance, dance, dancing nobody wants the music to go stop, stop, stopping! Test the music first before you get excited and book a venue. When the music stops it’s awkward for everybody, clears the dance floor and kills the mood. Major floppage.

5. Lack of Romance

Would you believe I  have gone to weddings and actually wondered if the couple is truly in love or if it was a convienient arrangement. Nobody is asking you to cry. But ahn ahn. No look of love, no little kiss, not gentle hug? You won’t touch her shoulder, she is 20 spaces away from you, camera’s are flooded with stock photo’s. ‘Aye’ is playing and boyfriends are serenading girlfriends and common dates on the dance floor. I look for the married couple and they are doing a Naija two step! Haba? Who forced you? Isn’t it supposed to be about love? Examine yourselves carefully brides 2015. There is no fire without smoke! If I was just after food, I’d call Dominoes. The deals are getting pretty serious these days!